Gratitude Journal Entry #20

Tonight, I’m grateful for waking up easily without an alarm clock. I’m grateful for waking up with hot ginger tea and yoga. I’m grateful for the beautiful walk on the beach, and that no one was there with me.

I’m grateful for the ability to walk on my own and to take myself places I want to go. I’m grateful for my eyes so that I can see the gorgeous colors of the ocean. I’m grateful for my nose so that I can appreciate the smell of eucalyptus, wood smoke, salt air, and tea. I’m grateful for the sensual sensitivity of my skin so that I can appreciate the mist of the fog as it rolls in, the shivery warmth of a fire in the fireplace, the coziness of fleece, and the caress of the breeze. I’m grateful for fingers that allow me to play music. I’m grateful for a lap so that kitty can sit in it while I play the piano.

I’m grateful for the generosity of others giving out of their abundance to me.

I’m grateful for letting more and more stuff go, and the internal freedom that results. I’m grateful that internal freedom is mirrored in my body relaxing. I’m grateful that for the first time in my life, this letting go in my body is allowing me to almost touch my toes.

I’m grateful for a day of nurturing myself, and exploring my natural rhythms. I’m grateful for using Google Calendar to create a schedule that honors those rhythms.

I’m grateful for optimism.

I’m grateful for trust.

I’m grateful for partnership.

I’m grateful for my beloved.

I’m grateful for adventure.

I’m grateful for exploration without fear.

I’m grateful for abundance.

I’m grateful for hope.

I’m grateful for love. 

 

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Discomfort

 

Sometimes I forget, in the intensity of my journey, how my changes affect those around me.

As I have grown, shed, evolved, shed again, and continued to come back into alignment with myself the internal process has been all-consuming. Sometimes, the changes and shifts happen so fast that I don’t understand what has happened…sometimes it takes several months to really comprehend the edges of such things, much less the core. For most of this year, there has been so much inner flux that my concentration has primarily been on breathing from one moment to the next.

So, I suppose it’s understandable that I completely lost track of how my changes were affecting my outer world…and my perceptions of it. And it has…changed.

Through this process, I’ve become more and more aware of an inner restlessness and a pulling toward something, but I have had no idea what that something actually is. I would search for it in meditation, but it was too nebulous…like a bat in the night…fleeting and never quite identifiable. To be honest, I’m not sure if the fleetingness was due to the actual issue or my fear…for there was a great amount of fear. How could I step into that pulling when I didn’t even know what it was? I had a great job…I lived in a great town…I had a great life. I’d be a fool to throw that all away just because something was flitting about “out there” calling me. The whole thing seemed ludicrous to me, so I just shoved the impulse of my heart down and away and continued on.

But a funny thing happened…work began to lose its appeal. My co-workers were no longer so congenial. My boss became less competent and much more out of integrity. I kept bumping up against the walls of my home, where formerly I had felt a lot of room. Gradually, I became aware of all the cracks in my life…all the places that really weren’t so fabulous…all the things I had chosen to ignore for one reason or another.

I told myself I was just ungrateful…that I wanted too much…that I thought too much of myself. I tried to change my thinking by expressing gratitude for all the marvelous things in my life…of which there were many. And then another funny thing happened…the gratitude grew! I had lots and lots more to be grateful for, and so I expressed even more gratitude. But there was a side-effect…the discomfort with my life didn’t ease. Not even a little bit. Instead, it grew! 

How is that even possible?! I’m expressing gratitude for my amazing life…and believe me, it really is amazing…and my discomfort is not abating at all? Rather, my soul’s calling toward something bigger and greater, with more responsibility, more passion, more integrity, more consciousness grew with such intensity that there were times I just couldn’t sit still in my chair at work. 

But, I just couldn’t face this calling. It was too big…what if I couldn’t handle it? It was too much responsibility…what if I failed? It required too much of me…what if I couldn’t live up to my own expectations? What if I risked everything and was left holding nothing? I have responsibilities now…responsibilities I can’t just walk away from simply because my heart is calling me to some unknown, nebulous idea. That is just foolishness. So, down it went again. Yet, I continued to express daily gratitude.

And then work became unbearable. Co-workers’ practices became so distasteful to me that all trust eroded away. I suddenly saw them and their practices because I saw their true motivations, and I was appalled. I realized that my perfect life that I had so carefully guarded, defended, and had given my loyalty wasn’t at all what I thought it to be. But, maybe I could change it. Maybe, if I pointed out the areas that lacked integrity, these things could be fixed and I wouldn’t have to walk away. Maybe that’s why I was still in my job…to teach and to fix. So I opened my mouth.

Alas. My words resulted in me being labelled a troublemaker. My attitude was labelled contentious. My quality of work was called into question…even though the quality of my work was higher than ever before. My honor and my character were questioned and I was accused of things that would be impossible for my character to allow. My protests and scads of documentation fell on deaf ears. I stared in amazement as my life started to crumble. 

In a last-ditch effort, I asked for support from Human Resources and we began mediated conversations to try to reconcile the situation. Each week, as I entered the meetings, my internal discomfort increased. I sat in increased amazement as week after week I presented the documentation, studies, professional guidelines, and accepted practices against the reality of my job only to see blank faces staring back at me like I was a crazy person spewing an incomprehensible language.

Six weeks into the process I broke. I went home completely devastated. I asked my mother that night if I was insane. She said no. I called another friend…and another…and another…all asking the same question. They all replied with the same answer. I called other professionals in my same line of work. Same response.

I felt stuck.

Confused. 

I could see the problem…and the answer. Why wouldn’t anyone listen to me?

Then my heart called again. 

Wearily, I glanced in its direction. 

It invited me to imagine…to take a journey with my mind and heart aligned…to really examine my dreams, my hopes, my wishes, my needs, my wants…to see them fully and completely…free of fear. So, I did. The discomfort, however, didn’t go away…it only increased, because I finally could see. I could see that my present life is no longer in integrity with the internal changes I have made…and those internal changes are calling me to something else. Without the fear, I could see that while painful, my co-workers were honoring my heart more than I had. They were not letting me stay in my comfortable place when I really desired, and was ready for, something more. 

When Monday morning came, I walked into the Human Resources department and stated that it was time for me to leave my job. The response shocked me…they were shocked…the entire school, my boss, my co-workers…everyone. I was incredulous! How could they be shocked? Wasn’t this what they wanted? 

Wasn’t this also what you wanted?

As I walked back to my office, I heard a meeting adjourn in the higher realms. Chairs pushing back, sighs of relief as though breaths had been held, cheers, hands shaking, back clapping, and all kinds of murmuring. What came through most strongly to me was: She finally did it! She finally made a decision. Now we can get to work!

In that moment, I felt like a shell fell off my back.

I broke through.

I broke free.

I expanded into my full self.

The relief flooded in. 

I chose me. 

I chose my heart.

I choose the unknown.

I choose the void.

Let the miracles continue.

 

Trusting

This is a difficult word for me. 

In my life, trust has been a cynical idea…nice for the innocent and romantic novels, but completely unrealistic. Most people are aren’t trustworthy 100% of the time, so I never quite know when they’re going to falter. That perpetual unknowingness is stressful for me, and it makes it difficult for me to trust another person at all. And, if I don’t trust someone, there is no way I will share anything about me or my inner world with another…none of my thoughts, my ideas, my aspirations, my disappointments, my challenges…nothing. I keep it mostly to myself, for sharing these things with someone I don’t trust or isn’t fully trustworthy is too dangerous for me.

“Trust another only to the degree that he/she trusts him/herself,” one of my teachers teaches me. 

I think about this for a minute. “That’s not very much,” I reply.

She nods her head.

“There’s a lot of leftover trust then. What do I do with it?” I ask.

“Keep it on yourself and use it for yourself. Trust you.”

I stare at her. What does that even *mean*?!

“Just start,” she replies with a smile. “You’re ready to learn how to trust yourself.”

So I begin.

The last blog post was one of those trusting myself moments. I had received that message a week before I posted it, but I didn’t post it because it made no sense to me. I didn’t understand the purpose for it, and was nervous about putting something up before I understood the message because, what if I got it wrong? 

I didn’t. 

Holding trust on yourself and for yourself is transformative. When you pull all your energetic lines of trust off of everyone and everything, from all lifetimes and all dimensions, and bring them back to you at the level of your higher self, cleaned, cleared, and recalibrated, a space is created. Physics requires that space to be filled, but filled with what? I choose to wait to fill it, and just watch.

Then, I notice other things that are interfering with the trust space. I have energetic lines of control outside myself too…along with lines of safety, power, integrity, empathic sensitivity and personal responsibility. As long as I keep these outside myself, my perception of trust will be skewed.

When my lines of control are outside of myself, I notice that my anxiety sky-rockets. I worry about situations and their outcomes, about people and their reactions or opinions, about whether or not my dreams will actually happen. I get angry and upset when others don’t do what I think they should. So, I try to get them to do or say or believe what I want them to do or say or believe. It never works. I only get angry and frustrated…and my trust is thwarted once again.

When my safety is outside of myself, my anxiety sky-rockets as well, because now I’ve made money responsible for my safety…my job, friendships, circumstances, my home, my car…none of which can actually keep me safe. So, the fear of losing any of these things that I want to believe will keep me safe erodes my self-trust…trust that will often lead me away from these things that may be good but not great, into something better.

The same is true for power. When my power is outside of myself, I notice that I feel powerless to change anything. I also notice that I think others have more power to change things than I do, so I pressure them to fix things for me…things I could fix for myself if I just pull that power back to me…which, is really the only way to do it, because no one else knows how to fix things for me. Even if they try with endless amounts of advice, I’ll just respond with an irritated “No!”…because they just don’t understand all the intricacies around the situation. Why do I keep asking someone else to do things for me when ultimately I end up figuring it out for myself? As long as I give my power to others…to situations…to institutions…I can never trust myself fully, for I don’t have the power to use it for anything.

Integrity is a funny one that I’m just now examining. For the most part, my words and actions are in integrity, but my beliefs aren’t always in line with the other two. When that happens, it means I’m energetically carrying something that doesn’t belong to me, so I have to release that belief or action or thought/words. Now there’s room for everything that remains to shift around and it can be quite disorienting. But ultimately, after the shifting settles, I am much more in alignment with my true self…my soul’s essence. And, by coming into my Divine Line, I can easily compare my experience with my soul’s essence and see the places that still need clearing. For, as long as I’m not in integrity with myself, how can I trust myself?

Empathic sensitivity is both a blessing and a curse. I’m still learning how to turn this into a blessing…so far it’s mostly been a highly painful experience. I can feel another’s feelings deeply…as though they’re mine. I can walk into a room and know exactly how every single person is feeling and why and how they got there. A simple slamming of a car door physically hurts my body, for the loud, abrupt sound sends a wave that hits my body with the same force with which the door closed. This also means that experiences such as loud music, loud machines, loud voices, angry voices, and unexpected sounds all physically hurt my body…down to my organs and bones and cells. I’m so overwhelmed with feeling everyone and their actions all the time that I can’t figure out what’s me. In fact, the overwhelmingly brutality of life has caused me to retreat so far that all I am is a walking reaction to everything everyone else is feeling…I’m not actually here at all. 

“All your antennae are turned outwards,” my teacher teaches me. “Turn them inward to you and your divine line…like this.”

Gradually, a stillness envelops me…like a soft, cozy, comforting snuggle blanket. I snuggle down and start to relax. As my muscles begin to soften, I wonder if they’re always that tense all the time…if so, then no wonder I have fibromyalgia. I realize that all the anger I was feeling, all the sadness, all the worry, all the panic, all the frustration…none of it was mine…I was simply feeling what everyone around me was feeling. I relax a bit more and start to feel my own soul…to connect with myself in this space, and I realize how peaceful I am…how strong I am…how powerful I am…how emotional I am…how discerning I am…how much integrity I have…how safe I am. I realize that in this space, filled completely with my soul’s essence, I can trust myself…fully and completely…and it doesn’t matter if I can trust another or not. And, I realize, I don’t ever want to leave this space.

“You don’t have to,” my teacher teaches me. “This is you. Stay in it, for this is where you belong and from where you can make everything happen. The moment you leave, you give something away, and you’re no longer in integrity. The moment you leave, you no longer are personally responsible…you now are co-dependent. The moment you leave, you no longer can trust yourself.”

“How do I do this?” I ask, afraid to twitch a muscle for fear of losing this beautiful experience.

“This is the practice,” she responds with a smile. “Keep your antennae inwards, pulling all energetic lines back onto your Divine Line, and suck yourself into your Divine Line…all day…every day. This is what the chirping sound is reminding you to do…so use it. Use anything and everything as a reminder to practice this…the alarm clock waking you up…the turning of a door knob…the pressing of the brake pedal on the car…your breath.”

I chuckle, “Of course…my breath…it’s all in the breath.”

She nods. 

I breathe.

I practice.

 
 
**Image is “Breath of Life Mandala” by Angela McGerr.**

Chirping

 

 

I have bionic ears. 

Seriously.

I hear the tiniest things…the softest whispers…I’ve even heard someone picking a lock four rooms away. When it’s quiet, and a small noise happens, my ears twist toward the sound…like a cat’s. When I play music, I rarely turn the volume past three…headphones are quite overwhelming at times. Needless to say, I’m not a fan of clubs or pop concerts…symphonic concerts and operas are my style, and even then, there are some rather loud moments that make it hard for me not to cover my ears. 

My ears are also sensitive to high pitches and frequencies. I have a hard time listening to string ensembles or pipe organs, because the harmonics are louder than the fundamental and I can never figure out what note is actually being played. It doesn’t help that after sitting next to a piccolo (which I loathe) during music school, my left ear is now 1/4 of a step flatter in its hearing than my right ear. 

Enter the chirping smoke alarm. 

On August 8th, I came home to discover that a smoke alarm was chirping. I checked every room in my house multiple times. I listened through all the shared walls to my neighbor’s house…using all sorts of devices to magnify the sound for one ear, and deaden the sound for the other. I checked the garage underneath my house. Multiple times. Finally, after three days, I concluded that a nearby neighbor is the proud owner of the chirping smoke alarm. I figured they must be away on vacation because no one would knowingly just let a chirping smoke alarm continue to chirp.

Not so. A week passed. I considered many options to confronting my neighbors, but I always came back to the issue of not knowing exactly which neighbor it is…and not wanting to be considered “The Crazy One.” 

That same week at work, I passed two different buildings that also had chirping smoke alarms. At first I thought my brain was creating the sound due to my neighbor’s incessant contribution to noise. However, as I scoped them out, I realized that no, these were, indeed, chirping smoke alarms. I was grateful that I couldn’t hear them from my office.

The next week, I went to visit a girl-friend who lives several hours away. We met for dinner, and when we stepped into her home, her smoke alarm began chirping…loudly. I hollered at it, and turned to my friend and said, “I don’t care if this doesn’t bother you, I’m fixing this bugger!” Fortunately, she heartily agreed, and we spent the next 30 minutes calming our rattled nerves with tea.

The following week, I went to a restaurant, and, sure enough, there was a chirping smoke alarm. I turned to my dinner companion and said, “You’ve got to be kidding me! How is it possible that everywhere I go has a chirping smoke alarm?!”

At home that evening, my neighbor’s chirping serenade still ever present, I realized that there might be a bigger reason behind all of these smoke alarms. I’d had more than three of these pop into my life, and the insistence and frequency indicated that there might be a rather important message behind them.

After another couple weeks of meditating on what that message might be, I heard this:

Come into yourself.

Pull all your energy and energetic connections off of everyone and everything, and bring it all back to you and your Divine Line.

Gently release all attachments to people, events, places, and things, and instead, increase your attachment to only yourself and your life’s journey here as a multi-dimensional being.

Lift all your tools and mastery and wisdom off of everyone and everything, and bring them back to your Divine Line at the level of your Higher Self, cleansed, cleared and recalibrated.

Deepen your commitment to only yourself and your life here as a multi-dimensional being, and use your tools, wisdom, and mastery on you and for you…not on or for anyone or anything else. Everyone has their own available to them…just show them how to access it and use it for themselves so that everyone is in a place of energetic integrity and wholeness from a place of personal responsibility rather than co-dependence.

Practice connecting to others from this place of your Divine Line, rather than putting energetic lines onto others, by radiating your essence from this place, allowing others to reflect it back to you…rather than basing the quality of your life on your circumstances.

Feel the immense and unlimited support available for you from within your Divine Line…feel the wealth of potentials, dreams, possibilities, resources, and love. Sit in this energy…relish it…receive it…claim it, for it’s yours. 

Then wait…expectantly…ready to take the next step when it’s time…for it’s soon.

It’s now been almost eight weeks since this started. My neighbors continue to treasure their relentless tune, and I still hear those alarms as I walk to and from work each day. But, rather than be consumed by irritation (I’m now only occasionally irritated), I now realize that I can use these as reminders. Reminders to come into my essence…to be powerful from within, and to feel the support from within…releasing others from the obligations of supporting, encouraging, seeing, or doing anything toward or for me…they can just be

My neighbor’s alarm just chirped.

I go ever deeper into my essence.

My soul soars in freedom.

 

Assurance

Yesterday, I saw two of these within five minutes of each other. And while there wasn’t a third one, I was surprised to discover that I was expressing gratitude at my inner reaction…or rather, the lack of the usual reaction, and the new one that is taking its place.

When beginning the process of dreaming a bigger dream, I had many many doubts as to the reality of it ever coming true. My dreams seemed so big and so out of reach and so impossible…the idea that they could happen to me was ludicrous. While a part of me did believe that anything is possible…and I still do…I just couldn’t reconcile the gap of reality between where I was and where my dreams were. Whenever I saw my threes, I felt my insecurities…my unworthiness…and the vast divide separating me from my dreams seemed too big for any bridge to span in this lifetime.

The threes became slivers of hope after a while…hope that even though I couldn’t quite believe in my dreams, I knew that someone did, and I held on to that other’s hope in me…hoping that one day I’d be able to carry that hope and certainty for myself.

Today, as I only saw two, I realized that the insecurities are almost gone…definitely, the unworthiness is gone. There was a calm sense of certainty…of knowing…of assurance…that not only were my dreams possible, but that they actually were going to come true. 

I smiled.

My soul danced.

Gratitude Journal Entry #11

ranuncula

Tonight, I’m grateful for the warm, cheerful sun that kept me company in my office for most of the morning. I’m grateful that it nurtures my office plants so that they keep growing and blooming. I’m grateful for the zen-like process of mending books…allowing my mind to shut off and just let me Be.

I’m grateful for the fun, newly painted garden pots that inspired me to rearrange my balcony garden. I’m grateful for the feel of dirt, and the amazement for the nurturing food it provides for the plants. I’m grateful for the generosity of friends in sharing clippings from their gardens. I’m grateful for all the pretty flowering plants that are now filling my pots and hanging around my balcony…beginning to feel like a space I want to experience regularly.

I’m grateful for the increasing urge to throw things away and get rid of a gob of physical things I no longer need.

I’m grateful for a rejuvenating time with soul sisters.

I’m grateful for those who share out of their abundance, timed perfectly to the moment when I need what they have to share.

I’m grateful for increased physical energy.

I’m grateful for sassiness.

I‘m grateful for laughter.

I’m grateful for non-reactivity.

I’m grateful for compassion.

I’m grateful for love.

Gratitude Journal Entry #10

Cherry

Today, I’m grateful for cherries and goat cheese from the farmer’s market. I’m grateful for the magnificent magenta and white fuchsia tree that now beautifies a corner of my balcony garden. I’m grateful for freshly juiced wheat grass and locally made yummy olive oil. 

I’m grateful that I know how to change a tire. I’m grateful that, even though the spare was also flat, the tire shop is only a block from my house. I’m grateful that even after fixing the tires and the car still wouldn’t drive properly, the repair garage was only two blocks away. I’m grateful that the repair garage didn’t have a large number of cars ahead of mine. I’m grateful for the generous loaning of a car by a neighbor so I could get to work at night. I’m grateful for the generosity of co-workers giving me rides to and from work during the day. I’m grateful that my car is now fixed and back at home. I’m grateful that I had plenty of money with which to pay for the repairs.

I’m grateful for a candle-lit shower to finish the week. I’m grateful for essential oils and body oil after the shower. I’m grateful for my wonderful mattress and the sound of the ocean through my bedroom window. I’m grateful for a snuggly kitty keeping me warm on a foggy night. I’m grateful for the yummy incense a dear friend shares with me.

I’m grateful for fresh laundry. I’m grateful for empty trash and recycle bins. I’m grateful for vacuumed and mopped floors. I’m grateful for full kitchen cupboards and water containers.

I’m grateful for community.

I’m grateful for grace.

I’m grateful for compassion.

I’m grateful for love.

Gratitude Journal Entry #6

Tonight, I’m grateful for a productive session with my most trying student. I’m grateful that the internet at work didn’t go out until after my work day finished.

I’m grateful for all the smiles I received today.

I’m grateful for easily finding a parking spot in a lot under construction. I’m grateful that the open parking spot was easy to park in. I’m grateful that the stores I visited today had exactly what I needed.

I’m grateful for an unexpected check in the mail. I’m grateful that The Universe provided money for me to keep an appointment I made in faith.

I’m grateful that the computer I chose to buy “happened” to be on sale today, allowing me to easily pay for it. I’m grateful that by ordering it today, I can benefit from the generosity of the sale.

I’m grateful I found my Vitamin D3 that has been missing for a couple of days (that’s my story anyhow). I’m grateful for time to read this afternoon.

I’m grateful for tears. I’m grateful for hugs. I’m grateful for love.

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