Trusting

This is a difficult word for me. 

In my life, trust has been a cynical idea…nice for the innocent and romantic novels, but completely unrealistic. Most people are aren’t trustworthy 100% of the time, so I never quite know when they’re going to falter. That perpetual unknowingness is stressful for me, and it makes it difficult for me to trust another person at all. And, if I don’t trust someone, there is no way I will share anything about me or my inner world with another…none of my thoughts, my ideas, my aspirations, my disappointments, my challenges…nothing. I keep it mostly to myself, for sharing these things with someone I don’t trust or isn’t fully trustworthy is too dangerous for me.

“Trust another only to the degree that he/she trusts him/herself,” one of my teachers teaches me. 

I think about this for a minute. “That’s not very much,” I reply.

She nods her head.

“There’s a lot of leftover trust then. What do I do with it?” I ask.

“Keep it on yourself and use it for yourself. Trust you.”

I stare at her. What does that even *mean*?!

“Just start,” she replies with a smile. “You’re ready to learn how to trust yourself.”

So I begin.

The last blog post was one of those trusting myself moments. I had received that message a week before I posted it, but I didn’t post it because it made no sense to me. I didn’t understand the purpose for it, and was nervous about putting something up before I understood the message because, what if I got it wrong? 

I didn’t. 

Holding trust on yourself and for yourself is transformative. When you pull all your energetic lines of trust off of everyone and everything, from all lifetimes and all dimensions, and bring them back to you at the level of your higher self, cleaned, cleared, and recalibrated, a space is created. Physics requires that space to be filled, but filled with what? I choose to wait to fill it, and just watch.

Then, I notice other things that are interfering with the trust space. I have energetic lines of control outside myself too…along with lines of safety, power, integrity, empathic sensitivity and personal responsibility. As long as I keep these outside myself, my perception of trust will be skewed.

When my lines of control are outside of myself, I notice that my anxiety sky-rockets. I worry about situations and their outcomes, about people and their reactions or opinions, about whether or not my dreams will actually happen. I get angry and upset when others don’t do what I think they should. So, I try to get them to do or say or believe what I want them to do or say or believe. It never works. I only get angry and frustrated…and my trust is thwarted once again.

When my safety is outside of myself, my anxiety sky-rockets as well, because now I’ve made money responsible for my safety…my job, friendships, circumstances, my home, my car…none of which can actually keep me safe. So, the fear of losing any of these things that I want to believe will keep me safe erodes my self-trust…trust that will often lead me away from these things that may be good but not great, into something better.

The same is true for power. When my power is outside of myself, I notice that I feel powerless to change anything. I also notice that I think others have more power to change things than I do, so I pressure them to fix things for me…things I could fix for myself if I just pull that power back to me…which, is really the only way to do it, because no one else knows how to fix things for me. Even if they try with endless amounts of advice, I’ll just respond with an irritated “No!”…because they just don’t understand all the intricacies around the situation. Why do I keep asking someone else to do things for me when ultimately I end up figuring it out for myself? As long as I give my power to others…to situations…to institutions…I can never trust myself fully, for I don’t have the power to use it for anything.

Integrity is a funny one that I’m just now examining. For the most part, my words and actions are in integrity, but my beliefs aren’t always in line with the other two. When that happens, it means I’m energetically carrying something that doesn’t belong to me, so I have to release that belief or action or thought/words. Now there’s room for everything that remains to shift around and it can be quite disorienting. But ultimately, after the shifting settles, I am much more in alignment with my true self…my soul’s essence. And, by coming into my Divine Line, I can easily compare my experience with my soul’s essence and see the places that still need clearing. For, as long as I’m not in integrity with myself, how can I trust myself?

Empathic sensitivity is both a blessing and a curse. I’m still learning how to turn this into a blessing…so far it’s mostly been a highly painful experience. I can feel another’s feelings deeply…as though they’re mine. I can walk into a room and know exactly how every single person is feeling and why and how they got there. A simple slamming of a car door physically hurts my body, for the loud, abrupt sound sends a wave that hits my body with the same force with which the door closed. This also means that experiences such as loud music, loud machines, loud voices, angry voices, and unexpected sounds all physically hurt my body…down to my organs and bones and cells. I’m so overwhelmed with feeling everyone and their actions all the time that I can’t figure out what’s me. In fact, the overwhelmingly brutality of life has caused me to retreat so far that all I am is a walking reaction to everything everyone else is feeling…I’m not actually here at all. 

“All your antennae are turned outwards,” my teacher teaches me. “Turn them inward to you and your divine line…like this.”

Gradually, a stillness envelops me…like a soft, cozy, comforting snuggle blanket. I snuggle down and start to relax. As my muscles begin to soften, I wonder if they’re always that tense all the time…if so, then no wonder I have fibromyalgia. I realize that all the anger I was feeling, all the sadness, all the worry, all the panic, all the frustration…none of it was mine…I was simply feeling what everyone around me was feeling. I relax a bit more and start to feel my own soul…to connect with myself in this space, and I realize how peaceful I am…how strong I am…how powerful I am…how emotional I am…how discerning I am…how much integrity I have…how safe I am. I realize that in this space, filled completely with my soul’s essence, I can trust myself…fully and completely…and it doesn’t matter if I can trust another or not. And, I realize, I don’t ever want to leave this space.

“You don’t have to,” my teacher teaches me. “This is you. Stay in it, for this is where you belong and from where you can make everything happen. The moment you leave, you give something away, and you’re no longer in integrity. The moment you leave, you no longer are personally responsible…you now are co-dependent. The moment you leave, you no longer can trust yourself.”

“How do I do this?” I ask, afraid to twitch a muscle for fear of losing this beautiful experience.

“This is the practice,” she responds with a smile. “Keep your antennae inwards, pulling all energetic lines back onto your Divine Line, and suck yourself into your Divine Line…all day…every day. This is what the chirping sound is reminding you to do…so use it. Use anything and everything as a reminder to practice this…the alarm clock waking you up…the turning of a door knob…the pressing of the brake pedal on the car…your breath.”

I chuckle, “Of course…my breath…it’s all in the breath.”

She nods. 

I breathe.

I practice.

 
 
**Image is “Breath of Life Mandala” by Angela McGerr.**

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