Void

A curious calm creeps in once one accepts death. 

The mind chimes in: “I should fight this!” “You’ve given up!” “Fight!” “Run away!” “Look away!” “Death is your enemy!” “Death is horrific!” “Death is traumatic!” “Death is to be avoided!” “Death shouldn’t be peaceful!”

Really? That last thought startled me. What SHOULD death be like…if not peaceful?! So, once again, I sat…and just watched death take place within me.

Right about this time, my co-worker passed away from cancer, several friends lost their pets, my great-aunt passed away, and another aunt was diagnosed with stage-4 pancreatic cancer.

I stayed in my void space…watching death unravel my life…and others’ lives…and watching how we chose to navigate through the process of death and void. 

About this same time, The Wall Street Journal published an article on death…and because I could do nothing else, I laughed at its timeliness (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203918304577243321242833962.html). As I read the article, I felt joy welling up for the first time in months. Finally! Someone who gets it! Someone who knows how to help me! I realized that fighting against the inevitable only makes the rest of life that much harder for everyone. I watched it all around me…and within me. Yet…I also had compassion, both for my self and for those around me, facing this terrifying void…that in-between space…the space between life and death. That space after the diagnosis or event that signifies the beginning of the end and the actual end. That space between the end and the beginning. For…inevitably…there is a beginning…against all odds…in spite of all hope lost. It’s a law of The Universe. 

I realized that, as much as I wanted to share these thoughts with those around me, I also realized that such comments or suggestions of a perceptions shift would be received as harsh and unkind. So, I reluctantly chose to retreat to my solitude of void-ness and being…and watch my self. 

The pain and grief grew, crashed, then ebbed…repeatedly. They came in waves of intensity…and at unexpected moments. I vaguely knew what was happening, but it was so primal an experience, I couldn’t utter words to share it with anyone. I really was alone in the truest sense of the word. I gradually became stronger…better able to remain present with all my emotions…to suspend judgement and thoughts about the experience…to just feel it all…to allow it to be…without fear of drowning. And soon…it passed.

Then it was silent. Then it was quiet. Then it was peaceful. Then it was rest. Then it was nothingness. I was stripped bare…just my essence. And that’s when I realized the most important thing of all…I was in the most powerful place any being can experience…the place of unlimited potentials. In that moment, stripped of all previous limiting beliefs and thought forms, I was the Sacred Feminine. I was the Creator. I had the power to design and create me…without my physical body dying. The only question that remained was, What did I want to create?

So.

I explored.

I dreamed.

I experimented.

I stretched.

I contracted.

I tested.

I imagined.

I created. 

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