Death

What Dreams May Come (film)

What Dreams May Come (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There has been a lot of death in my life since New Year’s Day…the day it really began with conviction.

I’d been invited to several parties in order to ring in the new year, but as the sun set, my heart became increasingly heavy. By 6:00 that evening, I knew I wasn’t going anywhere. All I could handle was sitting on my couch, watching “What Dreams May Come” and sobbing. I thought it would pass. It didn’t.

The next day, New Year’s Day, I went to the beach. I took with me a bag filled with items for a ceremony. Even though it was a hot, sunny day, and lots of people were at the beach, The Universe conspired to protect my favorite hidey-spot so I could be in private. I lit candles, arranged my crystals, and invited beings of love and light to assist me in writing my intentions for the year.

I first wrote all the things I wanted to transform…all my beliefs, thoughts, emotions, behaviors, patterns, and relationships. I burned this paper and allowed the wind to carry the ashes into the ocean. Then, I wrote all the things I wanted to attract to me…new beliefs, thoughts, emotions, behaviors, patterns, and relationships. I also burned this paper, but then I buried it where plants were growing so that my intentions could also grow. I then sat and sobbed some more…feeling more relief and freedom within than I ever remember feeling.

A month later, a grandfather figure passed away unexpectedly. As I talked to my brother while walking the beach, I realized what I was experiencing…and had been experiencing since New Year’s Day…death within me. I wasn’t overcome with grief for my “grandfather”…I’ve faced physical death several times and don’t fear it for myself or others. I also grew up in a culture that honored death as a natural and necessary part of life…without death, life cannot persist. But, to have the self die…the internal parts of me…the very foundations on which I have built everything I know…on which I exist…in which my very thoughts and beliefs are anchored…this was unprecedented…and quite disorienting. Everything I knew and trusted…even if I didn’t like it or want it any longer…was falling away…and I had no idea how to be.

At first, I tried to understand it…to participate in it…to analyze it…to make sense of it and explain it. That only made it worse. It was only when I chose to breathe and sit with it and watch my essence shift with every breath that any flow or release began.

So.

I sat.

And breathed.

And allowed myself to exist…even though I had no idea my identity.

I AM.

It’s enough.

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