As filled with chaos as my life has been this year…the sorrow, grief, loss, fear, anxiety, uncertainty, and frustration…the one thing I always knew for certain was that something wonderful was taking place. I had no idea what the outcome would be…I still can’t say with certainty what the outcome will be. But, I’ve always known that life as I’ve previously known it was saying good-bye.

One amazing side effect of all of these shifts and changes in my life is that of integration. All of the pieces of myself that I’ve left in various places, with different people, kept hidden from certain groups of people…all of those pieces no longer wish to be separated or differentiated. It is time for all of them to come together in a unified human. Not in the old ways as the pieces once fit together, but rather, in a new unknown configuration. As each little piece falls into its perfect place, I watch in awe and amazement…acutely aware that some greater force is undoubtedly orchestrating this entire metamorphosistic process.

Last night, I realized that this blog is also asking for integration. I spent many hours trying to figure out how to keep this blog as it is…I like the safety…the anonymity…the premise…the wee collection of posts. Was I really ready to reveal myself to the world and let the world fully embrace all that I have to say and share with the world? The more I contemplated this, the more it became quite clear that despite the twinge of sadness, the answer was yes.

So, this will be my last post on this particular blog…to be continued in a new one that integrates all the different pieces of me in one place. Eventually, I hope to pull all of these posts over to the new blog so that there really is a continuity of experience for those who will need it in the future.

For you who have shared the journey of finding my voice and traversing the cocoon, thank you for your support and  companionship. I hope that, should you feel called to continue with me in this next phase of my life, you will join me at

With gratitude,




This last Sunday, I performed for a church service. 

This isn’t the first time I have done so, and I’m certain it won’t be my last…I’ve been performing since I was two years old. However, this time, I wasn’t prepared. 

Lately, I’ve been writing my own music…or arranging my own music. Either way, it’s not just a simple task when someone asks me to play…which is fine, because I really enjoy writing music. I usually go into a few days of meditation until inspiration strikes and then I begin writing. Depending on the piece, one arrangement can take anywhere from four hours to a week to write. I had a month…plenty of time. And, I was excited because this particular Sunday’s pieces were to celebrate Love. I quickly found the pieces I wanted to perform and set to arranging them.

Then I was blessed with several other opportunities to play during Christmas week, and suddenly I was swamped with writing music, traveling to rehearsals, rehearsing, and then performing. The pieces for Love Sunday had taken a back burner, and I quickly realized that I now only had a week to finish them and rehearse them with my accompanist. After a few rehearsals, it was clear they weren’t going to go well, but it was too late to pick other pieces. By the time Sunday morning arrived, I was exhausted…and ill tempered due to my lack of preparedness. 

As I sat in the church amongst the other musicians performing for the carols and hymns, I felt anxiety rise within me. I turned to the musician to my right…a dear friend from music school, and an amazing musician.

“Do you want to do the solo numbers?” I asked.

“What?” he asked, surprised.

“Please?!” I pleaded.

“Why?” he asked.

“I’m just not prepared. I haven’t practiced enough, and the pieces are filled with flubbed passages.”

He thought for a moment, then offered, “How about I do a drone and dance a jig to distract them?”

“That would be great!” I replied, and couldn’t help but giggle.

Just then, one of the musicians passed a bag of spearmint candy. I absent-mindedly passed it on to my friend on my right. He took it, looked closely at me, and asked me if I wanted one. I politely declined. It was time for the prayer.

I closed my eyes, grateful for an excuse to meditate. I began yoga breathing: four counts in, hold one, four counts out, hold one, four counts in, hold one, four counts out, hold one… As I started to calm down, and began to think more clearly, I remembered some energetic protocols and did some energy work on myself. It took a bit of time, and I expressed gratitude for such a long prayer. By the time the prayer ended, I had come to a place of acceptance of my flawed performance that lay in front of me.

When I opened my eyes, I looked at my music stand in front of me. Tucked into the right edge of the music ledge was a little green spearmint candy. I looked over at my friend, his trumpet already up, ready to play, his eyes avoiding mine. 

“Thanks,” I whispered.

“I didn’t do it,” he feigned, then grinned shyly. 

Then I realized that in my pursuit of perfection I’d forgotten that it didn’t matter if I performed flawlessly…all that mattered is that I played with heart and tenderness.

Thank you friend for your tenderness.

Thank you for reminding me.

Gratitude Journal Entry #26



Tonight, I’m grateful for easily awakening and having ample time to groom and dress before my appointments.

I’m grateful for starting out my day with a visit with my hair stylist, the amazing Fabian. I’m grateful that my next stop was with my amazing masseuse. I’m grateful that my heart is always soothed by her presence, and that my true nature bursts forth unencumbered.

I’m grateful for the assistance by a security guard who went way out of his way to help me find what I needed.

I’m grateful that the temple shop had the Hanukkah candles I needed, and that the price was so worth the drive. I’m grateful for such a beautifully clear day to drive around, and that the ocean insisted on sparkling and winking at me. I’m grateful for a delightfully peaceful and soulful lunch in the sun with a book next to a fountain.

I’m grateful for the energy and clarity gifted to me to organize the garage and sort the boxes for additional sorting. I’m grateful for another huge pile to be donated, and a big box to go to the specialized recycle place.

I’m grateful for fresh, clean, reverse-osmosis water.

I’m grateful for Shabbas candles that always welcome such a beautiful time of rest. I’m grateful for Epsom-salt-essential-oil-foot-soaks. I’m grateful for tea, crackers and Dutch cheese whilst soaking my feet.

I’m grateful for support.

I’m grateful for healing.

I’m grateful for purging.

I’m grateful for appreciation.

I’m grateful for safety.

I’m grateful for faith.

I’m grateful for trust.

I’m grateful for love.


Gratitude Journal Entry #25


Tonight, I’m grateful that I found both pieces of music I need for my scheduled performances the week of Christmas. I’m grateful that the first arrangement is almost finished, and the sketch for the second is outlined.

I’m grateful that my simple arrangements of two Christmas pieces for one of my piano students went easily and that they are finished and ready to print for his next lesson. I’m grateful he’s so motivated to learn these pieces that he asked me to “fix them” for him. I’m grateful that I have the tools and skills to be able to do this for him.

I’m grateful for the yummy lentil stew I made, and that it went so well with the left-over cornbread. I’m grateful that there was plenty left over to share with a farmer and my acupuncturist. I’m grateful that in giving the farmer the stew out of my abundance, he surprised me with a massive bag of fresh mammoth basil.

I’m grateful for a clean kitchen and empty trash bins. I’m grateful for continuing energy to sort through closets and craft supplies. I’m grateful there is now another large pile to be donated. I’m grateful there’s a large pile of books ready to be donated. I’m grateful that this chaos indicates order is coming. I’m grateful that there is a plan to put things into order again soon.

I’m grateful for piano time with Mozart and Chopin.

I’m grateful for a heating pad and a snuggly kitty.

I’m grateful for abundance.

I’m grateful for sharing.

I’m grateful for the blessings that return a million-fold.

I’m grateful for purging.

I’m grateful for endings.

I’m grateful for the impending beginnings because of the endings.

I’m grateful for compassion.

I’m grateful for tenderness.

I’m grateful for gentleness.

I’m grateful for love.


Gratitude Journal Entry #24


Tonight, I’m grateful for a lovely walk around town as I ran errands this morning. I’m grateful for sipping fresh, organic juices from my local health food store as I ran my errands. I’m grateful for finding some waterless shampoo so that I can clean a 4′ teddy bear to give to my favorite library patron for Christmas🙂 I’m grateful that I found/accomplished all that I needed on my errand run and was home by lunch.

I’m grateful for a delicious lunch, followed by going through more stuff from the garage. I’m deeply grateful that my emotional attachment to things from my past is waning significantly so that it’s easy to let it go. I’m grateful that a family who has no money for Christmas this year asked for craft stuff for their little girl. I’m so grateful that I have so much of it to share with her. I’m grateful that while sorting through my abundant craft supplies, I was able to remember with so much happiness all the things I created with all of these things, and all the friendships and memories shared with people I love so much. I’m grateful that this inspired Mom to start going through her supplies as well, and that it feels so good to let go of things I no longer need.

I’m grateful for my piano students who always have so much to teach me.

I’m grateful for abundance.

I’m grateful for sharing.

I’m grateful for hugs.

I’m grateful for flow.

I’m grateful for tenderness.

I’m grateful for love.


Gratitude Journal Entry #23



Tonight, I’m grateful for waking in the middle of the night to find kitty snuggled up and entwined with my arms.

I’m grateful for a beautiful drive along the coast, and easily finding parking in the abundant parking lots. I’m grateful that  the first 75 minutes are free. I’m grateful for the abundance of produce at the farmer’s market and the friendly people I always meet there. I’m especially grateful for the accordion and the didgeridoo providing me with excellent mood music. I’m grateful for the wonderful vendor who has collards…a green I have been craving for over 4 years. I’m grateful that I could be leisurely in my shopping and come away feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. I’m grateful that it didn’t rain while I was there, as that would have made carrying the groceries quite challenging. I’m grateful I completed everything before my 75 minutes were up.

I’m grateful for time and space to listen to music in the car and tone along. I’m grateful for the easy drive home in a warm and dry and well-functioning car.

I’m grateful for leftovers that made lunch easy to fix. I’m grateful for people in my life who are foodies too.

I’m ecstatically grateful for the amazing musicians, Asteria, that I discovered, and their generous permission to perform one of their pieces…along with a gift of sheet music.


I’m grateful for freeways, and for the amazing planners and architects in the 1930s and 1940s who created and designed the first freeway in the world…in Southern California. I’m grateful that the master plan includes additional freeways in the works…at some point.

I’m grateful for rainy afternoon naps and cozy crocheted snuggle blankets. I’m grateful for the layered fog of infinite shades of gray that cozies up to the mountains.

I’m grateful for peace.

I’m grateful for abundance.

I’m grateful for receiving.

I’m grateful for gentleness.

I’m grateful for love.

Gratitude Journal Entry #22


Tonight, I’m grateful that kitty finally stopped yeowling around the house this morning after I threatened to put him on the rainy balcony.

I’m grateful for a lovely walk in the rain as I purchased food items for lunch. I’m grateful for the inspiration to cook my favorite comfort food: lentil soup, tabbouleh, hummus, GF crustinos, and garlic sauce. I’m grateful Mom came home while I was making it so she could help me. I’m grateful that even though the texture wasn’t quite right, the flavor was spot on.

I’m grateful for time to read and research. I’m grateful that I can file for unemployment online…and did.

I’m grateful for the food that we did purchase at the farmer’s market. I’m grateful that there’s another one nearby on Saturday at which I can purchase more because my main farmer didn’t come today. I’m grateful that I had an abundance of soup to share with one of my favorite farmers.

I’m grateful for all the beautiful mint sprouts on my mint plant. I’m grateful that the rose plant is really starting to thrive and bloom. I’m grateful for all the time spent with flowers…tending and arranging them around the house.

I’m grateful for all the different colors that I can see. I’m grateful for crayons, and pencils, and paint so that I can color m world. I’m grateful for the peace that always settles deep within whenever I color a mandala.

I’m grateful for a lovely yoga class this evening. I’m grateful for the relaxing shower afterwards. I’m grateful for the blend of incense, steam, fog, and wood smoke. I’m grateful for my body blend of rose, sandalwood, frankincense, and geranium oils. I’m grateful that my pillow smells of these as well.

I’m grateful for integration.

I’m grateful for soothing.

I’m grateful for inner support.

I’m grateful for inner loyalty.

I’m grateful for tenderness.

I’m grateful for gentleness.

I’m grateful for love.

Gratitude Journal Entry #21

Tonight, I’m grateful for honoring my body and soul’s need to be completely off-line due to higher dimensional work this morning. I’m grateful for easing into the day with a massive cup of ginger/pau d’arco tea.

I’m grateful for the time spent nurturing myself today…a walk in the rain, a trip to the doctor’s office, a visit with my spiritual teacher, a chat with a girlfriend, watching Friends with Mom, snuggles with kitty, connecting with former students.

I’m grateful for time to blend essential oils just for me, and the delicious feeling of receiving when slathering the product all over. I’m grateful for a new book on the energy healing components of flowers.

I’m grateful for the rain and the soothing dripping sound from the palm trees. I’m grateful that my garden can benefit too.

I’m grateful for a clean kitchen and the number for a carpet cleaner.

I’m grateful for time.

I’m grateful for awareness.

I’m grateful for remembering.

I’m grateful for peace.

I’m grateful for the absence of fear.

I’m grateful for giggles.

I’m grateful for caresses.

I’m grateful for love.


Gratitude Journal Entry #20

Tonight, I’m grateful for waking up easily without an alarm clock. I’m grateful for waking up with hot ginger tea and yoga. I’m grateful for the beautiful walk on the beach, and that no one was there with me.

I’m grateful for the ability to walk on my own and to take myself places I want to go. I’m grateful for my eyes so that I can see the gorgeous colors of the ocean. I’m grateful for my nose so that I can appreciate the smell of eucalyptus, wood smoke, salt air, and tea. I’m grateful for the sensual sensitivity of my skin so that I can appreciate the mist of the fog as it rolls in, the shivery warmth of a fire in the fireplace, the coziness of fleece, and the caress of the breeze. I’m grateful for fingers that allow me to play music. I’m grateful for a lap so that kitty can sit in it while I play the piano.

I’m grateful for the generosity of others giving out of their abundance to me.

I’m grateful for letting more and more stuff go, and the internal freedom that results. I’m grateful that internal freedom is mirrored in my body relaxing. I’m grateful that for the first time in my life, this letting go in my body is allowing me to almost touch my toes.

I’m grateful for a day of nurturing myself, and exploring my natural rhythms. I’m grateful for using Google Calendar to create a schedule that honors those rhythms.

I’m grateful for optimism.

I’m grateful for trust.

I’m grateful for partnership.

I’m grateful for my beloved.

I’m grateful for adventure.

I’m grateful for exploration without fear.

I’m grateful for abundance.

I’m grateful for hope.

I’m grateful for love. 




Sometimes I forget, in the intensity of my journey, how my changes affect those around me.

As I have grown, shed, evolved, shed again, and continued to come back into alignment with myself the internal process has been all-consuming. Sometimes, the changes and shifts happen so fast that I don’t understand what has happened…sometimes it takes several months to really comprehend the edges of such things, much less the core. For most of this year, there has been so much inner flux that my concentration has primarily been on breathing from one moment to the next.

So, I suppose it’s understandable that I completely lost track of how my changes were affecting my outer world…and my perceptions of it. And it has…changed.

Through this process, I’ve become more and more aware of an inner restlessness and a pulling toward something, but I have had no idea what that something actually is. I would search for it in meditation, but it was too nebulous…like a bat in the night…fleeting and never quite identifiable. To be honest, I’m not sure if the fleetingness was due to the actual issue or my fear…for there was a great amount of fear. How could I step into that pulling when I didn’t even know what it was? I had a great job…I lived in a great town…I had a great life. I’d be a fool to throw that all away just because something was flitting about “out there” calling me. The whole thing seemed ludicrous to me, so I just shoved the impulse of my heart down and away and continued on.

But a funny thing happened…work began to lose its appeal. My co-workers were no longer so congenial. My boss became less competent and much more out of integrity. I kept bumping up against the walls of my home, where formerly I had felt a lot of room. Gradually, I became aware of all the cracks in my life…all the places that really weren’t so fabulous…all the things I had chosen to ignore for one reason or another.

I told myself I was just ungrateful…that I wanted too much…that I thought too much of myself. I tried to change my thinking by expressing gratitude for all the marvelous things in my life…of which there were many. And then another funny thing happened…the gratitude grew! I had lots and lots more to be grateful for, and so I expressed even more gratitude. But there was a side-effect…the discomfort with my life didn’t ease. Not even a little bit. Instead, it grew! 

How is that even possible?! I’m expressing gratitude for my amazing life…and believe me, it really is amazing…and my discomfort is not abating at all? Rather, my soul’s calling toward something bigger and greater, with more responsibility, more passion, more integrity, more consciousness grew with such intensity that there were times I just couldn’t sit still in my chair at work. 

But, I just couldn’t face this calling. It was too big…what if I couldn’t handle it? It was too much responsibility…what if I failed? It required too much of me…what if I couldn’t live up to my own expectations? What if I risked everything and was left holding nothing? I have responsibilities now…responsibilities I can’t just walk away from simply because my heart is calling me to some unknown, nebulous idea. That is just foolishness. So, down it went again. Yet, I continued to express daily gratitude.

And then work became unbearable. Co-workers’ practices became so distasteful to me that all trust eroded away. I suddenly saw them and their practices because I saw their true motivations, and I was appalled. I realized that my perfect life that I had so carefully guarded, defended, and had given my loyalty wasn’t at all what I thought it to be. But, maybe I could change it. Maybe, if I pointed out the areas that lacked integrity, these things could be fixed and I wouldn’t have to walk away. Maybe that’s why I was still in my job…to teach and to fix. So I opened my mouth.

Alas. My words resulted in me being labelled a troublemaker. My attitude was labelled contentious. My quality of work was called into question…even though the quality of my work was higher than ever before. My honor and my character were questioned and I was accused of things that would be impossible for my character to allow. My protests and scads of documentation fell on deaf ears. I stared in amazement as my life started to crumble. 

In a last-ditch effort, I asked for support from Human Resources and we began mediated conversations to try to reconcile the situation. Each week, as I entered the meetings, my internal discomfort increased. I sat in increased amazement as week after week I presented the documentation, studies, professional guidelines, and accepted practices against the reality of my job only to see blank faces staring back at me like I was a crazy person spewing an incomprehensible language.

Six weeks into the process I broke. I went home completely devastated. I asked my mother that night if I was insane. She said no. I called another friend…and another…and another…all asking the same question. They all replied with the same answer. I called other professionals in my same line of work. Same response.

I felt stuck.


I could see the problem…and the answer. Why wouldn’t anyone listen to me?

Then my heart called again. 

Wearily, I glanced in its direction. 

It invited me to imagine…to take a journey with my mind and heart aligned…to really examine my dreams, my hopes, my wishes, my needs, my wants…to see them fully and completely…free of fear. So, I did. The discomfort, however, didn’t go away…it only increased, because I finally could see. I could see that my present life is no longer in integrity with the internal changes I have made…and those internal changes are calling me to something else. Without the fear, I could see that while painful, my co-workers were honoring my heart more than I had. They were not letting me stay in my comfortable place when I really desired, and was ready for, something more. 

When Monday morning came, I walked into the Human Resources department and stated that it was time for me to leave my job. The response shocked me…they were shocked…the entire school, my boss, my co-workers…everyone. I was incredulous! How could they be shocked? Wasn’t this what they wanted? 

Wasn’t this also what you wanted?

As I walked back to my office, I heard a meeting adjourn in the higher realms. Chairs pushing back, sighs of relief as though breaths had been held, cheers, hands shaking, back clapping, and all kinds of murmuring. What came through most strongly to me was: She finally did it! She finally made a decision. Now we can get to work!

In that moment, I felt like a shell fell off my back.

I broke through.

I broke free.

I expanded into my full self.

The relief flooded in. 

I chose me. 

I chose my heart.

I choose the unknown.

I choose the void.

Let the miracles continue.


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